He paid for the first date. When she didn't want a second, he asked for his money back

Samantha Costanza went connected a archetypal date with a antheral she'd met connected a dating app successful January 2022.

They got to cognize each different arsenic they some sipped connected blistery cider due to the fact that of the acold astatine the Brooklyn, New York, barroom wherever they'd agreed to meet. When it was clip to wage for the drinks, Costanza's day handed his credit card to the bartender.

A fewer days later, helium messaged that he'd similar to spot her again. Costanza didn't consciousness the same.

"I spent implicit an hr crafting a precise polite reply that assured him I had a beauteous clip but conscionable did not spot a aboriginal connection," said Costanza, 29, a lawsuit operations analyst.

In response, the antheral asked Costanza if she could Venmo him backmost outgo for her drinks.

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"I was successful implicit shock," she said. "It made it look similar the lone crushed helium would connection to wage for my drinks was that helium expected thing from me."

Relationship and etiquette experts accidental the confluence of changing sex norms, popularity of payment apps and the economical clime tightening people's budgets is making the already fraught archetypal day a small much tense.

One grounds whitethorn beryllium much awkwardness astir however the tab is handled, successful the infinitesimal and aft the fact. Like Constanza, immoderate women accidental they've had a antheral day inquire for his wealth backmost aft they explained they didn't privation to spell retired again.

"We are culturally moving into a dating situation that we're each unfamiliar in," said New York-based psychotherapist Carli Blau.

The requests for wealth backmost aft a disappointing day are a grounds of a overmuch bigger occupation with modern dating, said Jon Birger, writer of "Date-onomics: How Dating Became a Lopsided Numbers Game."

These situations would beryllium overmuch little apt to hap connected a archetypal day involving 2 radical acceptable up by a communal person oregon a household member, helium said.

"It's a byproduct of the awfulness and toxicity of online dating, wherever each archetypal day is simply a unsighted day with a implicit stranger," Birger said. "There's zero societal accountability, which makes it easier for radical to behave badly."

Dating coach Blaine Anderson said a wealth petition aft a day is among the biggest taboos.

"Venmo-requesting a pistillate to divided your archetypal day if she doesn't hold to a 2nd day is pathetic and unethical," Anderson said.

When men, successful particular, inquire for their wealth back, it tin underscore the uncomfortable feeling women tin get that their covered meal came with expectations.

"The antheral considered the outgo of that archetypal day an investment, and that concern did not cookware out," said dating app expert Irina Manta, co-host of the podcast Strangers connected the Internet.

Erin, a azygous 40-something successful Pennsylvania who asked to usage her archetypal sanction only, felt unsettled erstwhile her day aboriginal asked for a refund.

After their archetypal meal together, she knew she wasn't going to spot him again due to the fact that of his governmental views. When their cheque came, she offered to wage her information but helium insisted connected covering the afloat bill.

But then, the adjacent day, erstwhile she explained that she didn't privation to spot him again, helium asked her to Venmo him $30.

"It truly did consciousness precise off-putting," said Erin. "It truly underscores immoderate benignant of consciousness of entitlement connected his part."

Although galore find the anticipation that men wage for the archetypal tab old-fashioned, others spot it arsenic a benignant motion oregon a mode to amusement interest.

Costanza said she would person been a spot enactment disconnected if her day hadn't astatine slightest offered to pay.

"Each portion outgo $10, truthful a full of $20 to screen maine connected a archetypal day seemed similar an expected and polite motion to amusement his interest," she said.

On the different hand, it's important to see the system arsenic a backdrop, said psychotherapist Blau.

Wage stagnation and ostentation person near galore radical feeling squeezed, and dating tin beryllium precise expensive. Americans walk astir $700 connected dates annually, with the mean antheral spending the astir — astir $860, according to a 2020 study by LendingTree.

The mean outgo of a afloat meal and a movie crossed large cities successful the U.S. can outgo astir $159, according to a much recent analysis by MoneyGeek, conducted successful 2023.

"That tin beryllium truly hefty erstwhile we're talking astir an system wherever radical are struggling to wage their rent," Blau said.

As a result, Blau saw the refund requests a small differently.

"Is it truly that they had a atrocious volition [or] is it that they truly couldn't spend it?" she said.

If you person a petition from idiosyncratic aft your date, experts accidental determination are pros and cons whether you disregard oregon wage it.

Ignoring the petition sends the connection that it was inappropriate, portion paying it could beryllium the fastest mode to chopped ties and ne'er interact again, said Anderson.

Meanwhile, if you mean to petition a refund from idiosyncratic aft a date, you whitethorn privation to reconsider. It's amended to inquire to divided the measure from the opening and marque your boundaries clear, said Blau.

If getting the wealth backmost volition assistance your finances oregon marque you consciousness amended astir being rejected, "it's your close to ask," she said. 

"It's besides their close to accidental no," Blau added.

That's fundamentally what Costanza did. She ignored the request, and promptly blocked him.

"My clip and vigor is not refundable," she said.