The Bookish Internet Killed My Reading Life

Yesterday, I was lasting successful beforehand of my desk, piled precocious with books I had checked retired from the room oregon received for review, trying to determine what to work next. I shifted from ft to ft and gave myself a pep talk. “Pretend you are a mean reader. You’re conscionable picking immoderate publication looks interesting. You tin work immoderate you want.”

-record scratch-

You’re astir apt wondering however I got here. Why americium I not a mean reader? What does picking retired thing to work consciousness similar specified an intimidating task that I request to psych myself up and enactment myself successful the close headspace? Well, we commencement with a kid who loves reading, and we extremity with an big who has built their beingness astir books to the grade that speechmaking has go a minefield of expectations and guilt.

It each started with a publication blog, which was expected to conscionable beryllium fun. I was going to grounds everything I work and stock it with people. But past I had a overmuch amended idea: I could make a publication blog conscionable for bi and lesbian books, since that’s what I wanted to work much of. I could speech astir queer women books with people! How fun.

And erstwhile I started the blog, thing miraculous happened: radical started giving maine escaped books. They were self-published ebooks sent from the author, but escaped books are escaped books! And well, if idiosyncratic is going to constitute a sapphic publication (still a rarity backmost then) and nonstop it to me, the slightest I could bash was work and reappraisal it. Besides, present I had a blog to maintain, which meant caller content, which meant I needed to beryllium speechmaking much (bi and lesbian) books.

That’s erstwhile things started to spell disconnected the rails. Because suddenly, determination was accent and guilt involved. When you have to work a book, it starts to suffer its shine, and those ebooks started to heap up. I could nary longer work each publication I was sent, truthful I stopped promising that. Eventually, I started adding much reviewers to my team: they got entree to these books for review, and I got further contented for the blog.

Somehow, though, I had managed to heap up much obligations portion getting escaped of those aged ones. I was starting to get much books for reappraisal that I was truly excited about, and adjacent the occasional ARC (advanced scholar copy) successful the mail. I was speechmaking much than ever, but my TBR heap grew adjacent faster. And then, of course, I had to commencement a BookTube channel, due to the fact that that looked similar fun, which meant much content, which meant I needed to work much books. And past Book Riot was looking for much contributors, truthful I had to apply, and past I had to beryllium producing capable bookish contented for 3 platforms, and it’s hard to bash that without speechmaking more…

Meanwhile, my involvement successful speechmaking — contempt being surrounded by books I was excited astir each the clip — was opening to wane. No substance however overmuch I read, I was ever behind. I didn’t privation to work sapphic books, adjacent though that’s what I astir enjoyed reading, due to the fact that that meant I had to constitute a reappraisal for it. But I didn’t privation to work non-sapphic books, due to the fact that what was the point?

That’s besides astir the clip I realized that my speechmaking was acold excessively white, and I should truly diversify it more, which led maine down spreadsheet rabbit holes of readying the perfect TBR. Diversifying my speechmaking besides introduced maine to truthful galore unthinkable new-to-me authors, adding adjacent much to my TBR list.

Then I got the accidental to co-host All the Books, which sounded amazing, but that meant speechmaking 4 books each period that were retired connected the archetypal Tuesday of the pursuing month. That was already astir each my speechmaking successful a month, which near precise small country for the ARCs I had accepted, and the different caller releases I was excited about, and — ohio close — each the books I wanted to work that weren’t caller releases.

Now, trying to determine what to work adjacent looks similar I’m trying to ace immoderate elaborate mathematical equation. I’m factoring successful however adjacent the merchandise day is, whether it’s retired connected the archetypal Tuesday of the month, whether I tin screen it connected the Lesbrary, however divers my speechmaking has been lately, however agelong it volition apt instrumentality maine to work it, erstwhile my room owed dates are and whether they’re apt to person holds (which means they can’t beryllium renewed) — oh, and whether I consciousness similar speechmaking it close then, I suppose.

To beryllium clear, and I deliberation this should beryllium obvious, I emotion the bookish internet. Working for Book Riot is beyond a imagination occupation for maine — I couldn’t person adjacent imagined this arsenic a anticipation erstwhile I was younger. Getting to speech astir books, particularly queer books, with different readers is amazing. I emotion connecting radical to their caller favourite book. It’s wherefore I’m doing each this, aft all.

But somehow, my dedication to the bookish net has been matched with a diminution successful my enjoyment of reading. Reading is tied up with guilt and obligation: I truly should beryllium speechmaking those ARCs I requested, I truly shouldn’t beryllium leaving my All the Books speechmaking to the past minute, I truly should beryllium speechmaking those books I checked retired that person a agelong clasp database — and wherefore did I enactment them connected clasp erstwhile I person truthful galore books I should beryllium reading?

I’ll beryllium honest: I don’t cognize however to flight it. I inactive emotion reading, of course, but it’s overmuch much fraught than it utilized to be. It’s uncommon that I ever driblet each the baggage astir it and conscionable work purely for enjoyment. I’m not adjacent definite I cognize however to anymore — which is however I ended up giving myself a TBR pep talk. Because this has been my speechmaking beingness for much than 10 years, I don’t retrieve the earlier times — but I fishy it inactive was filled with room clasp guilt.

I’m determined to find a mode astir it, though, due to the fact that my books are the instauration of my life. I went each successful connected books aboriginal on, and I person nary intentions of changing people now. I conscionable request to find the magic incantation that volition get maine retired of my head, astatine slightest immoderate of the time, erstwhile I’m reading. Here’s hoping I stumble connected it adjacent pep talk.